– Vinoo Mankad, S.C.G, Dec. 1947
It’s the second session of a third-grade scorcher and you’re out in the middle.
Runs are plenty, the opening quicks are knackered and the 16-year-old off-spinning tweaker has been belted all over the park.
The opposition have only one option — throw the ball to the tubby, mouthy, gravitationally-challenged bloke at short cover.
As you relax crosslegged at the non-striker’s having a quiet chuckle (along with the entire opposition who have now resorted to taking the piss) — the bloke begins to mark out his extensive run up.
It’s easy to tell what he’s going to deliver — genuine, right arm medium pies.
As any half-decent batsmen would — you’re backing up miles at the non-striker’s in order to get a piece.
The first ball is bowled — a filthy half-tracker — and your mate at the other end rocks on to the back foot, slapping it through widish mid-on for four.
Gee, he picked that up early.
At this point, the opposition are laughing even harder.
But the dumptruck has other plans.
As he waddles in for his second ball, there is a moment of silence as you turn around expecting the ball to have already been delivered.
To your surprise, a deafening appeal from the bowler ensues as you notice a bail dropping from the non-striker’s stumps.
“HOWZAT! HAHAHA I’ve been watching you mate, you’re out!”, the dumptruck who is now sweating revolting, yells.
“Learn to stay in your fucking crease.”
It’s easy to tell the scrawny umpire — covered from head-to-toe in white zinc — is slightly shaken by the whole incident.
While apprehensive — the intimidation is strong — the finger is raised.
It’s time for you to yell “this is bullshit”.
You’ve just been ‘Mankad’ed.
Parallel to many members of the Australian media cohort, The Mankad is a publication delivering you false facts and the best of stuff that isn’t real.
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