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Tim Paine: Australia’s last man standing

It’s been a whirlwind few months for wicketkeeper Tim Paine, who has found himself interim captain of the Australian cricket … More

anakin, australia, AUSvsSA, banter, bradbury, comedy, cricket, cricketaustralia, funny, humour, Lol, olympics, satire, skywalker, Test

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It’s been almost eight minutes and shockingly, Erica, 22, still hasn’t told anyone she’s now a vegan. - Erica made the decision after realising she had a family dinner tonight. She figured it was the best way to gain moral high ground over her other cousins. - “They all know I do drugs at festivals and failed my last semester of Media Arts,” she said. - “So I figured becoming a vegan is something that puts me one step ahead — you know socially and emotionally.” - Erica said overall she has mixed feelings about tonight’s dinner. - “I’m both anxious and excited about making a fuss with the waitress and making everyone else feel guilty about ordering the steak special.” - Erica said she was going to alert her best friend, Ruby of her new plant-based lifestyle but was worried she may hop on the bandwagon. - “I think tonight [at the family dinner] is the perfect opportunity to announce my new approach to life,” she said. - “I was gonna tell Rubes but was worried she might steal my thunder, go ahead and be a better vegan.” - UPDATE: Following two weeks of pursuing veganism, Erica has since reverted back to eating meat. - #themankad #satire #news #straya

A recent survey of households nationwide has found the meals Mum cook are actually just sub-par versions of the ones Grandma dishes up. - The Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) survey found that while children may only receive Nan’s cooking once per fortnight, it still outperformed any dish cooked by Mum over the same period. - ABS senior analyst, Jenny Gratowitz found Grandma’s strong tendency to bake/roast was favourable among survey participants. - “A secret ingredient in Grandma’s home-baked meals remains a ‘sprinkle of love’, which helps explain their superior taste over other sources of food,” she said. - “Grandmas across Australia are also good at including shitloads of butter, milk, salt and cream to provide taste buds with a sense of warmth and comfort.” - Mother of three, Karen, 43, said while she used to love her grandma’s cooking – the survey fails to recognise the other tiresome tasks parents manage in addition to dinner. - “Yes the kids love anything my mum makes,” she said. - “But Grandma has all bloody day and night to come up with the goods. - I would’ve just picked up Brett and Jordan from soccer training after dropping Jasmine off at choir, be in the middle of doing a school wash – only to have a 20 minute window to quickly whip something up.” - While the ABS survey has left some mothers feeling unappreciated, it is proof that Grandma and her foil-covered crockery dish are welcome over at any time. - #themankad #satire #grandma #cooking #straya

A house party held on Saturday night saw a group of lads chastise one of their mates for diving straight into the communal Vodka Cruisers. - Twenty-year-old Mitch’s eyes lit up when he saw the iced-up washing bucket stacked with the Smirnoff fruit juice. - “Shit yeah!” Mitch said on entering the party. - “Haven’t had one of these since Year 10.” - Mitch’s actions quickly caught the attention of the fellas. - “Whatcha got there Mitcho? Bitta lolly water mate? [laughs]” Jimmy, one of Mitch’s mates asked rhetorically. - “Oi fellas! Come look at this pussy!” - But, while initially copping it from his mates, it took just one round before Jimmy and almost every other bloke at the party were caught with Cruiser in hand. - “Saturday is for the boys … and for Cruisers!” Jimmy was heard yelling. - Meanwhile, party host, Sarah, 19 — who had been busy attaching her fake lashes — soon discovered her decision to provide equal amounts of communal cruisers as beers was a total miscalculation. - “I saw Kristy sipping on a Carlton Draught with a straw and was like what the ef is actually going on here?” she said. - “The Cruisers were gone in the first hour — the boys were double-parking and everything. I can’t even.” - Sarah was forced to get Dad to go and fetch another carton of Cruisers, exclusively for the girls. - Dad, who had been interrupted from enjoying a quiet stubby watching the footy on the couch, as a result informed Sarah this would be her last house party. - #themankad #straya #satire #theboys #australian

A man from Adelaide’s northern suburbs believes that ghosting the car in front, will somehow prevent him from running late to work. - Notorious tailgater and lane-changer, Darren, 26, who drives an early 2000s white Holden Commodore, spends his mornings driving like a wanker to inconvenience others on morning commutes. - “Look at that dickhead,” drivers were seen mouthing in their cars. - One commuter, Peter, 34, was sitting at the lights when he heard a loud horn come from behind him. - “The light had been green for one millisecond and this bloke had the decency to start beeping his horn,” Peter said. - “Gave me the absolute shits.” - Other drivers reported concerns Darren’s indicators must be broken — he uses them so infrequently. - More to come. - #themankad #satire #news #straya #aussie #trafficjam

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